Thursday, November 27, 2008

Matthew 6:34

I hate that every time i think I have my life figured out something comes up and makes me feel like i need to completely re-evaluate everything.

I'm just ready for things to level out for a while, or at least long enough to stop and enjoy where i'm at and actually make a legit decision as to if it's where i think i'm meant to be, or stay...instead as soon as i think i've figured out where i'm going life is throws me for a huge loop. And here I am back at square one second guessing everything, my plans, my future.

I just feel like i'm constantly having to remind myself that God has a plan. That I don't need to be anxious or worried about it, I just need to pray and listen for where God tells me to go...I just wish this didn't have to be such a forced way of thinking about things, and that i could just automatically think that way...or at least closer to it than where i'm at now.

I guess I just feel really torn this week. unsettled, and very unsure about a lot of things...and i'm just not diggin it!

Friday, November 21, 2008

a harsh reality

it's been a rough week for my family. tuesday we got word that my grandpa was getting really sick, and fast. He's been in a nursing home for a few years now, and his health has been slowly declining, but suddenly things seemed to be moving so much faster. As of tuesday the doctors where saying they weren't sure if he would live through the night.

I was really frustrated with myself all can you hear news that a family member might not make it through another day on this lovely earth and not react in some emotional way? I don't get it...the girl who is moved to tears by infomercials about St Judes Childrens hospital, by homeless people, and people suffering from aids and poverty in other countries...the girl who cries in nearly every disney movie ever could i not cry when hearing my grandpa was so sick. I just didn't get it.

Grandpa was a trooper and hung in there a few more days. He passed away just after midnight last night. It wasn't until i called work to see if they could do without me for the 4 hours i was supposed to work today that i really broke down, I don't know if it was the whole saying it aloud thing...or what, but i could barely keep myself together on that phone and i had a good cry afterwards. oddly i was calling so i could be here with my mom when she gets home from work...she's been so strong through all this, but i know losing her dad is horribly hard for her and i just wanted to be here with her this afternoon...but it turns out it's a good thing because I needed the time for myself afterall.

I've been really lucky and haven't had to deal with much death during my life. I think the last family members to pass away were my great grandparents when i was much, much younger...not to say that death is something you ever can or should get used to...but i just feel so lost about what to do or say.

this week was like one huge harsh reality check. instead of being upset about grandpa being sick..i was worried about whether or not i'd get to see him again. All I could think about was whether or not he knew jesus...but being so far away and having no way to speak with him all i could do was pray. So, I prayed that someone, anyone, a nurse, another patient, a doctor would take the time to share Jesus with my talk to him about all the amazing things God has done for us and to share with him what it means to ask God into your heart.

it's hard realizing you may never see someone you love again...and it made me sick to my stomach knowing that i couldn't do anything about just made me realize how much time i've wasted NOT talking to people about jesus. Grandpa lived a decently long life...but the fact of the matter is i shouldn't be waiting til people are in their last few hours to be sharing my Jesus with them. I need to muster up the courage to talk to people NOW about my loving God who wants so badly to have an intimate relationship with them.

So, there will be greiving, and there will be tough days to come as my family makes arrangements...but I found the joy in this trial. Losing a loved one has to be one of the hardest ways to learn a lesson, but is also certainly one of the most powerful ways to learn it. I don't want to be alone in heaven...I want to have all my family and friends from earth there with me singing and dancing and sitting face to face with my awesome God. I want them to know the love I know...and unconditional love...a reason for my strength...the reason i can find joy in a situation as sad as losing grandpa.

I'll miss you grandpa...and hopefully I will get to see you again someday...

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

the begining of something wonderful

so, i must say, i'm excited for this new blog. I've thought about starting one for quite some time now...but just never really got around to it. But I've just had so much on my mind and heart lately and could really use a place to here goes!

So, I've been painting, drawing, and writing again. And it feels so good to have those creative juices flowing...that part of me was dormant for far too long. First I'll clarify with saying that I am so not an artist, and by no means a writer, but i find both very relaxing and therapeutic. The more I let my creative mind wander the more I realize I truly am a dreamer. Always have been, always will be. I believe in fairytales and happily ever afters...but not the stories you hear as a child. I don't believe in evil witches, pumpkins turning into chariots, magic spells, or picture perfect love lives with prince charming. But I believe there is a bit of truth behind each and every one of those things.

I'm living a real life fairytale with the greatest author of all time, God. I think I'll take the time to explain all the elements of my story as they come up in further posts...but tonight you will get the "once upon a time." It's hard to believe the changes I've seen in myself in the past few years...all the flaws and failures that came to light, the decisions that led me down a path i never imagined taking. But I'd rather not dwell on that and focus on the part where things turn around and this lucky girl was given a second chance. It's amazing how God does that. Wipes away our flaws, forgives us for all our sins..and so much more. It didn't take a kiss from prince charming to wake me from my took a big reality check, and an awesome God to soften my heart of stone. So here I am, starting an exciting new chapter in my book....and I can't wait to see what has been written in the next few pages....