I was really frustrated with myself all week...how can you hear news that a family member might not make it through another day on this lovely earth and not react in some emotional way? I don't get it...the girl who is moved to tears by infomercials about St Judes Childrens hospital, by homeless people, and people suffering from aids and poverty in other countries...the girl who cries in nearly every disney movie ever made...how could i not cry when hearing my grandpa was so sick. I just didn't get it.
Grandpa was a trooper and hung in there a few more days. He passed away just after midnight last night. It wasn't until i called work to see if they could do without me for the 4 hours i was supposed to work today that i really broke down, I don't know if it was the whole saying it aloud thing...or what, but i could barely keep myself together on that phone and i had a good cry afterwards. oddly i was calling so i could be here with my mom when she gets home from work...she's been so strong through all this, but i know losing her dad is horribly hard for her and i just wanted to be here with her this afternoon...but it turns out it's a good thing because I needed the time for myself afterall.
I've been really lucky and haven't had to deal with much death during my life. I think the last family members to pass away were my great grandparents when i was much, much younger...not to say that death is something you ever can or should get used to...but i just feel so lost about what to do or say.
this week was like one huge harsh reality check. instead of being upset about grandpa being sick..i was worried about whether or not i'd get to see him again. All I could think about was whether or not he knew jesus...but being so far away and having no way to speak with him all i could do was pray. So, I prayed that someone, anyone, a nurse, another patient, a doctor would take the time to share Jesus with my grandpa...to talk to him about all the amazing things God has done for us and to share with him what it means to ask God into your heart.
it's hard realizing you may never see someone you love again...and it made me sick to my stomach knowing that i couldn't do anything about it...it just made me realize how much time i've wasted NOT talking to people about jesus. Grandpa lived a decently long life...but the fact of the matter is i shouldn't be waiting til people are in their last few hours to be sharing my Jesus with them. I need to muster up the courage to talk to people NOW about my loving God who wants so badly to have an intimate relationship with them.
So, there will be greiving, and there will be tough days to come as my family makes arrangements...but I found the joy in this trial. Losing a loved one has to be one of the hardest ways to learn a lesson, but is also certainly one of the most powerful ways to learn it. I don't want to be alone in heaven...I want to have all my family and friends from earth there with me singing and dancing and sitting face to face with my awesome God. I want them to know the love I know...and unconditional love...a reason for my strength...the reason i can find joy in a situation as sad as losing grandpa.